Random Twilight Stories
by Clydell Humphries
Summary: A collection of random but funny Twilight stories. Rated T just in case.
1. Chapter 1 Carlisle's Anger Issues

**Warning!**** Everyone is really OOC and this is totally random!**

**Disclaimer: I have not, do not or ever will own Twilight :(

* * *

**

"Carlisle, why are you sad?" asked Jasper.

"I'm not sad!" Carlisle denied.

"Yes you are!" Edward said, "Your mind is practially screaming it!"

"Piss off, Edward! Get out of my mind!" Carlisle snapped.

"Woah, Edward, you better do as he says!" Alice said, "Or he'll crush you're Volvo!"

"Yeah, I read that in his mind." Edward said.

"PISS OFF EVERYONE AND GET OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND!" Carlisle screamed.

"Woah! Now your angry! What's the matter, Carlisle!" Jasper asked him.

"I'M SICK OF ALL YOU ANNOYING KIDS READING MY MIND!" Carlisle screamed.

"Actually, it's only_ me_ who can read minds." Edward explained, "Alice sees decisions you make and Jasper reads feelings."

"I DON'T GIVE A CRAP! PISS OFF!" Carlisle screamed.

"Hey, sorry Carlisle." Alice said, "We didn't mean it. Please don't ruin my Porshe like you decided to!"

Carlisle let out a scream of rage before jumpingout the window. Alice, Jasper and Edward laughed, giving each other highfives. Then Roaslie walked in.

"Hey! Why's Carlisle pissed?" she asked. Jasper grinned.

"Roaslie, why are you annoyed?" he asked her.


	2. Chapter 2 Bella's Fear

"Get away from me Alice!" Bella yelled as Alice come toward her.

"Bella, calm down!" Alice said, advancing toward her slowly.

"No, no Alice NO!" Bella shouted. She ran out of Alice's room and into her room. Well, her second room strictly speaking. The Cullen's had insisted on treating her like a family member, so they made a room just for her.

"Bella! Just come here and it will be over!" Alice said mildly annoyed. Bella crouched down in the corner, hugging her knees.

"No, I won't let you!" Bella screamed, terrified at the mere thought of what Alice was going to do. She ran toward the window and stood on the ledge, about to jump. Edward came charging in to Bella's room. When he saw the scene in front of him he chuckled.

"Bella," he said in between fits of laughter, "is it really going to be this hard for Alice to get a dress on you?"


	3. Chapter 3 Edward the Stalker

**This one is set before Edward and Bella were a couple. Bella has just moved to Forks. She doesn't know he is a vampire yet.

* * *

**

Bella couldn't sleep. She kept on tossing and turning, but she just couldn't relax. It felt as if somebody was... watching her.

She sat up and walked out of her room, annoyed, she had a test tomorrow and need her rest. She got a glass of water and went back to bedroom. She opened the door the see a very creepy sight...

"AHHHHH!" she screamed. Edward was in her bedroom sitting by her bed, staring at her. "WHAT THE HELL, EDWARD! YOU CREEP!" she screamed, then stopped. Crap. Charlie wasn't home, so he couldn't help her. Edward looked at her and smiled creepily.

"Well, you sleep funny. You talk about me."

"YOU MEAN THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME!" Bella screamed even harder.

"Bella, calm down. Come back to bed." he suggested.

"Get. Out." Bella said though gritted teeth. Edward smirked and jumped out of the window. Bella shut it and went back to sleep. A little while later she woke up. She opened her eyes and saw Edward in front of her.

"Edward..." she complained in a tired voice, "just go already."

"I want... to try something." he said slowly. He leaned forward and kissed her slowly. Bella pulled away in shock.

"EDWARD! WTF is WRONG with you!" she yelled. Edward looked hurt.

"It said that you liked me in the book!" he said. He pulled out a book with an apple and two hands holding it.

"There's a book about me?" Bella asked, "Who wrote it?"

"Well... me!" Edward said, "I studied what you have been doing for the last few days and put down what I think you would think about me! It has a happy ending!"

"GET OUT YOU CREEP!" Bella yelled again. She slapped him and pushed him out the window.


	4. Chapter 4 Emmett's Bordem

'Edwarrrrrrrrrrrrd! I'm borrrrrrred!" Emmett complained.

"Well go do something then!" Edward said.

"But I don't know what to do!" Emmett complained again.

"Go rap dance with Roaslie."

"I already did thaaaaaaat!" Edward stared at him.

"Really?" he asked. Emmett nodded. _It's true! _he thought.

"Well, go ride a camel with Jasper."

"Done that."

"Smash a house with Alice."

"Did it."

"Buy a steam roller and run over Esme."

"Already did that."

"WHAT!" Edward screamed, "YOU RAN OVER ESME! WITH A STEAM ROLLER!"

"Edward," Emmett said, "everybody on Earth exept for you and me are dead. Well, technically we're already dead. We're vampires."

"WTF Emmett why did you kill everybody?" Edward asked.

"I'm borrrrrred. Like I told you earlier."

"Well, can't you entertain yourself?"

"Nope. I need people to talk to me." Emmett said.

"God! You are so annoying!" Edward complained, "Go jump off a cliff."

"Hey! Great idea!" Emmett said. He ran off and Edward heard a big crash.

"I didn't mean it literally!" he called. He looked around. It was quiet. Too quiet. Damn it. He was the last one on Earth. Thanks a lot, Emmett.


	5. Chapter 5 Seth's Mistake

"Hey, Jake!" Seth called. Jacob looked up.

"Hey, kid. How are you?" he asked.

"Good. But... umm..." he said, like he was hiding something.

"What is it?" Jacob asked. Seth looked worried, something was definitely wrong.

"I've imprinted." Seth announced timidly.

"Really?" Jacob said, smiling, "Good for you!"

"Yeh, I found her a while ago, actually. She's beautiful." Seth said. Jacob chuckled. All the ones who they imprint on are beautiful. To the wolf, anyway.

"Not as beautiful as Renesmee!" he said. Seth looked uncomfortable.

"Jake, it's Renesmee." he said finally. Jacob looked at Seth, not sure if he understood."

"What did you say?" he asked him.

"I've imprinted on Renesmee." Seth said, looking down. Jacob stared at Seth.

"What the hell do you mean?" he yelled. "Renesmee's MINE!"

"Ours." Seth corrected. Jacob lunged at Seth, pinning him down.

"Seth, WTF?" he yelled, "I IMPRINTED ON HER FIRST!"

"Actually, we imprinted on her at around the same time." Seth said, struggling to breath.

"But I did it first!"

"I did it second."

"She loves me!"

"And me."

"I see her more often."

"How would you know?"

"I'm hotter!"

"Says you!'

"She likes me better!"

"She's lying." Jacob let go of Seth. He knew this could go on for a while.

"Hey, Jake, it's not so bad!" Seth said, "I have a perfect solution! We both-" But Jacob never heard the solution because at that moment his head was cracked open by the Tooth Fairy and she ate his brains.


	6. Chapter 6 Jasper's Confusion

**Let's pretend, for the sake of the story, that Alice has MAJOR anger issues.**

* * *

"This is pathetic!" Alice complained, throwing aside all her old clothes. Jasper rushed into the room, a small breeze coming with him.

"What wrong?" he asked her, calming her down. This didn't work. Alice turned around, horrified.

"Tell. Me." she said though gritted teeth, "You. Didn't. Just. Do. That."

"Do what?" asked Jasper, confused. Alice's emotions were off the scales.

"YOU IDIOT, JASPER!" Alice screamed, "HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? WALK INTO THE ROOM SLOWLY, SO YOU DON'T MAKE ANY BREEZE HIT MY CLOTHES!"

"I'm sorry." Jasper said. This wan't going to be good.

"Sorry? SORRY?" Alice screamed, "SORRY DOESN'T COVER IT! THEY'RE RUINED!" she bent down to exaim the clothes, a horrified look on her face.

"I'll take you out to buy new ones!" Jasper offered, then regretted it. Alice was known to spend days at the mall. Her mood brightened up.

"Ok. Let's go." she said.

It had been one hour and Jasper was already regretting his offer. Alice took forever! How long, he asked himself, does it take to find one top? All of them looked fine on her. And the same.

"Yuck!" Alice spat, "This looks _awful. _What do you think, Jazz?"

"Umm... it looks... fine?" he asked and commented at the same time.

"Fine? FINE? It doesn't suit my figure the slightest!" she complained. Jasper sighed and mumbled something about not giving a damn. Alice turned around, her eyes a black colour.

"Jasper." she said, clearly pissed, "Do you know how hard I work to keep my figure?"

"Um..." he said, not sure how to answer.

"You don't give a crap, do you?" she practically yelled in his face. She picked up one of the clothing booths and threw it at him. Jasper narrowly dodged it. It hit an old granny instead.

"Piss off, Jasper." she snarled. She left him there, feeling stunned. God. He would never understand girls.


	7. Chapter 7 50 Vicious Animals

"Bella!" Edward called. Where was she? He listened for the sound of her heartbeat. Ah! There was was! He ran up to his room. He saw Bella curled up in a ball, shaking in fright.

"What's happened?" he asked her. She answered in a scarce voice.

"They're coming for me."

"Who? Edward asked.

"The pidgens." she answered, shaking even more. Edward looked outside. There were three pidgens in a nearby tree. He laughed uncertainly.

"Bella, they're just pidgens." he said, not sure how she would react. Bella snapped out of it at that statement.

"Gosh! You're right, Edward." she said. Edward sighed. Thank God she'd seen sense.

"What I really should be worried about is the llamas" she concluded. Edward looked at her, not sure what to say.

"Um... don't worry, I'll protect you." he said uncertainly. What had gotten into her today?

"Really? Even from the clown fish?" she said. She smiled in relief, "Thanks, Edward, I owe you one. I'll meet you in the kitchen." she walked off. Edward was confused, then he heard Emmett laughing from his bedroom. Slowly, he walked to the DVD player in his room and opened it. The disk inside was: _50 Vicious Animals, a complementary guide. _Aww, crap. It was gonna take a while to get this out of Bella's head.

"AHH! A SLATER!" Bella screamed from downstairs. Edward sighed and went to help Bella keep away from all 50 animals that were supposively "vicious". Damn you, Emmett!


	8. Chapter 8 Brush your Teeth

"Bella!" Alice called, "Have you brushed your teeth?"

"Yes." Bella said. They were at the Cullen's house for a sleep over.

"Really?" Alice asked surprised.

"Haha, no." Bella said, smiling cheeklily.

"Haha," Alice said sarcastically. She pulled out a gun and shot Bella in the face.

* * *

**Yes, I know, very short and very random. In case your wondering this was just basically the same as one of my youtube vids, check it out! The link is on my profile.**


	9. Chapter 9 Bella's Thoughts?

Edward looked over at Bella. He sighed.

_"I will never understand..." _he thought.

"What's wrong?" Bella asked.

"I'm trying as hard as I can to read your mind. I still can't." he said.

"Oh. I wonder why." Bella said. She sat down, a blank look on her face. Edward wondered too. Suddenly they heard laughter behind them. It was Emmett.

"What, Emmett?" Edward said. Emmett chuckled loudly.

"You seriously wonder why you can't hear her thoughts?" Emmett said, trying not to laugh.

"Yes, why?" Edward said.

"It's obvious! You can't read her mind because she doesn't think!" Emmett said. In a flash he was being pinned down by Edward.

"Would. You. Like. To. Say. That. Again." Edward said through gritted teeth.

"Edward," Emmet said seriously, "think about it. Any normal person would run away from us and tell the world if they knew we were vampires. But she took it easily. Also, she didn't dump you when she found out that Victoria tried to kill her. And she likes you more than Jacob, even though Jacob is soooo much hotter, especially topless. Further more, she wants to become one of us! Admit it Edward, she is far from normal. There is absoloutly nothing going on in her head!"

"Emmett, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." Edward said. Then again, maybe Emmett had a point. Bella _was _far from normal, in many ways.

"No it's not. You think I'm right!" Emmett said triumphantly. He skipped away happily. Edward looked at Bella. Maybe Emmett was right...


	10. Chapter 10 Death by clothes?

"Bella, we're going shopping." Alice said.

"No we're not." Bella argued.

"Yes we are. I've seen it." Alice said smugly.

"Edward! Is she lying?" Bella called. Edward looked up from reading the paper, an annoyed expression on his face.

"I'm not a freaking lie detector, Bella." he spat, "Seriously, she might be yelling in her head that you're going shopping and lying about it."

"Well sorrrrrrrrry then!" Bella said, "Give it up, Alice your not taking me shopping." Suddenly Bella fell asleep. When she woke up, they were at the mall.

"Alice! WTF!" Bella yelled.

"I got Carlisle to give you an anaesthetic. Seriously Bella, your clothes suck, you need new ones."

"Alice, in your room you have a whole mall. We don't need to go here."

"Yes we do. So suck it up." Alice said. She dragged Bella by her hair into the mall. "Ooh! Let's go here!" Alice cooed, before pushing Bella into the shop. Soon, Bella was carrying bags of clothes.

"Oh! And this!" Alice said, throwing another skirt at Bella. Bella collapsed under the weight of 28 skirts, 12 shirts, 34 coats, 5 pairs of shoes and 9 pairs of jeans.


	11. Chapter 11 Xbox Addiction

Emmett hadn't gotten off his xbox in 3 days. No joke. I didn't know what was so good about xbox. I mean, really, us Cullen's could start a fake war with guns if he wanted to. We could have car races too, as well as turn our whole house into a medieval scene like one from _Fable._

So what's so good about the bloody xbox?

"Roaslie, we need to get him off it." Carlisle says, "Addictions for vampires can get really bad."

"No shit." I said. I looked at Emmett on the xbox. His eyes were glued to the screen.

"Remind me which idiot bought it for him?" I asked, annoyed.

"Nessie did. As a birthday present." Bella answered, glaring at me. Nessie burst into tears.

"I'm sorry Nessie." I said, suddenly feeling guilty, "It was a good gift. But Emmett's on it too much."

"That means he actually LIKES my gift!" Renesemee pointed out, "Unlike yours! He hasn't even used it!" Ouch, but she did have a point. Em hadn't even touched his new motorbike yet.

"Right. I'm putting an end to this." I said determinedly. I walked into the living room and smashed the TV. Emmett glared at me, jumping off the couch in anger.

"Roaslie! WTF!" Emmett yelled, "I was one minute away from getting that achievement, I would have been the first person on Earth to reach 400000 kills in under four days, then I was gonna get off for good! Now I have to start it all over again!" Oh crap. I heard laughter from the other room.

Damn it! They had known all this time! I ran into the kitchen, reading to kill whoever was in there, to find it empty. I was gonna kill them. Again.

* * *

**Ok... I'll admit that I think this is the least funny story I've had so far. Sorry. But, if you DID like it, then review!**


	12. Chapter 12 Camel Races

**Have you ever wondered what would happen if the Cullen's had a camel race? No, me neither. Now we can both find out! Yay!**

* * *

"Ready... set... go!" Roaslie yelled. She should have been participating. After all, it was my birthday, and I said I wanted a camel race, as random as it was. My camel, Mr McAwesome was coming second. Uncle Emmett was coming first, with his camel... no, wait... THAT'S A LLAMA!

"Uncle Emmett!" I yelled, laughing, "That's a llama!"

"Na ah!" Emmett yelled back. We kept on going. Soon Jacob came out of nowhere, in his wolf form. He winked at me before he got trampled by Emmett's llama.

"Em!" I complained. Soon Aunt Alice came from behind me.

"I can see that... I'm gonna win!" she said. I pushed her camel into the wall. It's head fell off. "Hey! Cheater!" Alice complained. I grinned.

Soon I was head and head with Emmett and his llama. I noticed that his llama was wearing lipstick, probably Roaslie's. I laughed then realized that I have fallen behind. Damn! Time to use my secret weapon.

I took out a taco and gave it to my camel. My camel ate it up, than all of a sudden began running at a super camel speed. I made it around the world and over the finishing line before anybody else. I won!

"Well done!" Mum said, getting off her camel and giving me a hug, "What should we do now, Nessie?" I smiled, I had plans for a paintball fight.

* * *

**Lol that was definitely random.**


	13. Chapter 13 WHO STOLE THE COOKIE?

Alice looked at Jasper.

Jasper looked at Emmett.

Emmett looked at Esme.

Esme looked at Edward.

Edward looked at Carlise.

Carlisle looked at Bella.

Bella looked at Jacob.

Jacob looked at Charlie.

Charlie looked at Alice.

Alice looked at Jasper.

Jasper looked at Emmett.

Emmett looked at Esme.

Esme looked at Edward.

Edward looked at Carlise.

Carlisle looked at Bella.

Bella looked at Jacob.

Jacob looked at Charlie.

Charlie looked at Alice.

Alice looked a-

"ENOUGH!" Nessie screamed. She glared at all of them. "For God's sake, I only want to know WHO STOLE MY COOKIE!"

Jasper looked at Emmett.

Emmett looked at Esme.

Esme looked at Edward.

Edward looked at Carlise.

Carlisle looked at Bella.

Bella looked at Jacob.

Jacob looked at Charlie.

Charlie looked at Alice.

Alice looked at Nessie.

"You ate it." Alice said, "I saw you."

"Oh, that's right!" Nessie said, laughing, "Who wants to play hopscotch?"

* * *

**Ok... I don't know what made me think of that... **


	14. Chapter 14 FBI Agent

**This is kinda like the chapter "Edward the Stalker" but different in a way. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Hey, Bella." Edward said. She completely ignored him and went to class. In biology, Edward asked if she was ok.

"I'll talk to you after class." she said bluntly. Edward shrugged and looked ahead. When class was over, she spoke to him.

"Edward, this is a break up." Bella told him. Edward stared at her in shock.

"But, but _why?_" he asked her.

"I can't be in a relationship with lies, Edward." Bella snapped.

"What do you mean? I haven't lied!" he said defensively. Bella laughed.

"Oh, sure Edward. You haven't lied to me about anything. What about all the crap about you being a vampire? As if, that was just a hook to get me in. Drinking animal blood? I need proof, but you won't let me watch you! And sparkling in the sun? There's a little thing called glitter, Edward! I'm not an idiot." Edward stared at her.

"Bella, I swear, I haven't lied to you. I can't show you when I hunt because I might accidentally kill you!"

"Always the same excuses, isn't it Edward?" Bella said accusingly, "If you drink animal blood then why doesn't Dracula?"

"Because Dracula's a pedo! Bella, I am a vampire." Edward said.

"Say it louder." Bella taunted.

"I am a vampire!" Edward yelled.

"LOUDER!" Bella demanded.

"I AM A VAMPIRE!" Edward screamed. Suddenly, a big FBI truck came out of no where. Charlie jumped out of it and handcuffed Edward.

"Good job, Bella." he said. Bella smirked. Charlie opened the truck and pushed Edward in it. "Your next job is to go to La Push. There's a rumour that kids can turn into wolves there. Get friendly with Jacob and get him to talk." Charlie explained. Bella nodded and drove off to La Push.


	15. Chapter 15 Biology with Emmett & AN

"Hey, Bella!" Emmett said. He grinned and sat next to me. I groaned, I couldn't believe that they changed the classes! Now, instead of being in a biology class with Edward, I was stuck with Emmett. Great.

"Emmett, please don't embarrass me." I said. He chuckled.

"Now why would I do that?" Emmett asked cheerfully. He moved all my books aside and placed his bag on the table. He pulled out all his belongings for the class, plus an iPhone and... nail clippers?

"Emmett, why do you have nail clippers in your bag?" I asked him, confused.

"Why do you think?" he asked me. Then he sighed. "Honestly, Bella, you ask some pretty dumb questions." I tried to hold back a laugh. Emmett smiled. The teacher walked in.

"Right, class, open your textbooks to page 789." he ordered. Emmett cracked up.

"Is something wrong, Mr Cullen?" Mr Barner asked.

"No," Emmett said, "except, seven ate nine! Gettet?" I laughed, not because the joke was funny, but because it was so random.

"Right, well open your textbook and answer the first question, then." Mr Barner asked. Emmett opened his textbook, humming the llama song as he did. I had to supress another giggle.

"Ah, oks." Emmett said. He cleared his throat.

"_Is it possible to live without cells?" _

"Well, that's easy enough to answer." Mr Barner said.

"Yes, it is possible." Emmett said. I looked at him, not sure if he was being serious or not. It was pretty hard to tell with Emmett.

"Take Mike here, for example. He clearly doesn't have any brain cells." Emmett concluded. The whole class erupted with laughter. Mike looked furious.

"Emmett, apologize at once." Mr Barner said. Emmett turned around and looked at Mike.

"Sorry, Mikey boy." he said, looking serious. This was another time that I had to hold in my laughter. The teacher cleared his throat and continued.

Emmett absent mindedly sang "Put a Banana in your Ear" from Charlie the Unicorn. Things were calm... for a while, anyway.

Emmett soon got restless and began throwing pieces of paper. I didn't see what he wrote on them. He threw one back to Mike. It landed perfectly on his head. I turned back, and Mike was reading the piece of paper, a grin growing on his face. He looked at me and winked. Oh god, whatever was on that piece of paper must have been bad.

"Emmett," I hissed, "What was on the paper?"

"Just a little note, expressing feelings for him." Emmett said, a smirk on his face.

"Yours?" I said, confused.

"No, yours." Emmett replied. I looked back at Mike. He was showing the paper to Tyler, who was sitting next to him. Tyler stared at it and then looked at me. I turn to Emmett.

"Emmett, I swear one of these days I will kill you. When I'm a vampire." I said through gritted teeth. Emmett chuckled and made a paper plane. He zoomed it into the Mr Barner's head. He caught it and glared at the class, ripping it apart. He was suddenly showered with some little white things.

"Are those your..." I tried to ask but couldn't. Emmet grinned even wider.

"Yep, my toe nails." I had the urge to throw up and crack up at the same time. Just then, the bell rung. I rushed out of the class room and laughed my head off. I couldn't wait until my next biology lesson.


	16. Chapter 16 Biology with Emmett 2

Emmett had his iPod out and was listening to the oompa loompa song. The annoying part was that he wasn't singing along, or doing anything remotely random. I just waited for him to do something funny, but he didn't.

"Com'on, Em!" I whispered, "It's the last lesson of the day and we have a sub. Do something funny already!" Emmett looked at me seriously.

"Bella," he said, "Biology is a very serious subject. If you can't concentrate then I suggest you leave the classroom." I held back a giggle. Emmett grinned and looked under the table. He screamed.

"OH MY GOD!" he screamed, "HOLY CRAP!"

"What is it?" our sub yelled. Emmett sat back down and opened his textbook, pretending to read. The teacher glared at him for a while before he returned to whatever he was doing. I looked at Emmett. He was folding a piece of paper. A really big piece of paper. I knew what he was doing, he was making a paper snap. He finished it and, winking at me, held it up high and brought it turn fast. A loud *BANG* echoed through the classroom. Everybody jumped. They turned to glare at Emmett, who was now bouncing a tennis ball on his desk.

"Emmett." the sub said seriously, "Would you care to tell us what you have read on pg 12?"

"Sure." he said happily. He cleared his throat.

" '_Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!' the papa bear said._

_'Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!" the mama bear exclaimed._

_'Somebody's been sleeping in-"_

"Mr Cullen, is that all you have been doing this lesson? Reading "Goldilocks and the Three Bears?" asked our teacher, shaking his head.

"No, sir." Emmett said, "I've been trampling Browser as well." He held up a Nintendo DS.

"Emmett, out!" the teacher said. Emmett collected his stuff, mumbling about how just because the sub couldn't get up to the last level in Mario. When he left I was annoyed. Biology seemed a little too boring for my tastes.

"Ms Swan, could you please tell me what happened on pg 12?" the teacher asked. I nodded, a smile playing on my face.

"Yes sir." I said casually, "But first I have a question; why did Goldilocks break into the house in the first place? Did she have a motive?"

"Out, Ms Swan. I expected better behaviour from you." the sub said. I collected my things and waltzed outside, humming happily. I looked around me, I couldn't see him. Suddenly I heard a bang from behind me.

"AH!" I yelped, spinning around. Emmett was there, grinning widely and holding his paper snap.

"Gotcha." he said happily.


	17. Chapter 17 Doctors Examination

It happened so quickly. One second, we were fine, just cruising along the roads. The next, we crashed.

That's right. I, Edward Cullen, crashed a car. Carlisle and I jumped out of his car just before it burst into flames. A few people ran over to us, asking if we needed any help.

"We're fine." I said, but Carlisle told me to shut up.

"Edward, they're going to call an ambulance!" he hissed, "That means we'll be taken to hospital for examination!" Oh crap, this won't be good. Soon after, the ambulance came and they made us lie down on stretches. I felt fine, but they wouldn't hear of it.

"You're very pale and cold!" they told me. No shit. I'm a vampire.

* * *

We arrived at the hospital. They wheeled us in under 'emergency' which I thought was rather unnecessary. We shouldn't even of been there in the first place!

"Ok," one of the doctors told me, "sit up carefully down and follow the light with your eyes." I did as I was told. After that was complete, he made a note on his clipboard. "Now, do you feel any pain?" he asked me. I shook my head.

"I'm feeling fine." I assured him.

"Well, you're cold so you might be experiencing slow blood flow, which could contribute to the slow response." the doctor said. He was beginning to get on my nerves. I saw Carlisle roll his eyes.

"I'm feeling fine, _really." _I said with emphasis, trying to get the point across. The doctor ignored me completely.

"I'm going to give you this needle ." the doctor said. He turned my wrist over and put the needle against my skin. I could see that his was pushing so hard to get it into my vain, but it wasn't working.

"A-um-well, I'll try some medicine." the doctor said, stuttering. He went out of the room. He came back with some liquid medicine.

"Drink this." he said. I drank it, and I tried to hold it down, I really did. But it was just so disgusting, I couldn't handle it. I spat it out, along with some venom. The venom hit a chair and like acid, it disintegrated the leather. The doctor was shocked. He began shaking with fright.

"Excuse me a moment." he said. He left us along in the room. Carlisle looked at me, smiling.

"Edward, keep on doing what your doing! The more we scare him, the more he'll think this is a dream." Carlisle said. I nodded. The doctor returned.

"Doctor, I'm feeling awfully hot." I said. The doctor pots his hand on my head and jumped back with fright of how cold it was. He looked at me in the eyes, and I had another idea. I thought about things that make me angry; Emmett, Roaslie, Jacob, bills... and very quickly my eyes turned a deep black colour. The doctor screamed quickly before fainting. Carlisle smiled at me. We both lifted him up onto a patients bed before we left.

"Edward?" Carlisle said. I looked at him.

"Yes?" I replied, hoping for some praise for my good work, making the doctor faint and all. I was surprised when he fixed me with an icy glare.

"You're paying for my car." he told me icily.


	18. Chapter 18 Mike's Bad Luck

I was waiting for her to come... she was so very close. We were at the schools, car park and I had planned to do this quickly and simply. I puckered up my lips.

She's right next to me. I got ready for that kiss when...

"Bella!" Alice exclaimed, taking her arm, "Come with me!" Bella got pulled by Alice to a nearby classroom. I sighed, maybe next time.

* * *

I looked through my letter one more time.

_My heart longs for yours,_

_and so do my lips,_

_Meet my in the courtyard at lunchtime,_

_From, your true love,_

_Mike Newton._

There, straight to the point, not too fluffy. Bella came toward her locker and I quickly slipped it in, backing away slightly. Bella took no notice of me and opened the locker next to the one I had just put the note in.

Oh no, wrong locker!

Eric came around the corner and headed straight to the locker. He opened it and the note fluttered out. He caught it and looked at it with interest. My heart seemed to stop. He gave me a surprised look.

"So, you too, huh?" Eric asked, "I'll see you in the courtyard." He winked at me and left.

Oh my God, he thinks I'm gay. And by the sounds of it is definitely interested.

* * *

Absolutely _nothing_ could go wrong now. I had it so carefully planned out. I checked my watch, she should be arriving any minute now. I looked through the crowd of the prom carefully.

Yes! She's here! She arrived in her beautiful purple dress, smiling broadly. Next to her, to my distaste, was Edward. Oh well, he wouldn't be a threat to me anymore, not after tonight.

I pressed the button on the computer and suddenly, on the huge projector screen, flashed a message.

_I love you Bella Swan. From Mike._

Bella didn't see it. Instead, she tripped over. Perfect. What was worse was that Cullen helped her back up. I switched off the slide show in annoyance.

* * *

This time, I just planned to tell her. Nothing fancy, just to say what I need to say.

I was at her doorstep, about to knock when... I saw her through the slightly parted curtain. She was with Edward.

The two looked happy together, too happy. I sighed, not wanting to face the truth. But I did have to face it regardless.

Bella would never be mine, unfortunately. She was in love with Edward. I turned around and began my long walk home. As I was on my way, I saw Eric jog past. He looked at me and wolf whistled, giving me a wink. I looked at him and gave a slight wave, not wanted to be rude. I continued on, and to my horror Jess was there, glaring at me.

Yeah, I'd be mad too if she had of tried to get somebody else to date her while she was dating me.

* * *

**... not sure if that was random or sad.**


	19. Chapter 19 Biology with Emmett 3 & AN

**Hi everybody,**

**Just so you know, I'm ending this story after the next chapter, simply because I'm running out of ideas and have a feeling these aren't funny anymore. Were they even funny in the first place? I dunno, haha. Anyways, big thanks to all you people who reviewed and what not, you guys are epic.**

* * *

Emmett and I were in biology. Again. He was sitting there with a clicky pen, just clicking it.

"Emmett! Quit it!" I snapped, "I have to finish my english homework before next period!" He tutted.

"You should have finished it last night!" he told me, shaking his head. I sighed.

"I couldn't. You took me out hunting for llama's last night." I reminded him. He smiled.

"Riiiiight, now I remember..." he said, thinking hard, "Let me make it up to you." Before I knew what's happening, the paper I was writing on was gone. I looked at Emmett, who was writing at vampire speed. In about five seconds, he passed it back. I looked at it, he had filled in half a page, just what I needed.

"Thanks, Emmett." I said, gratefully. He smiled.

"No problem. Want to have some fun now?"

"Sure." I replied. He grinned.

"Ok, let's play penis." he suggested. I stared at him.

"Play what?" I ask in shock.

"Penis. I start off by saying the word 'penis' loudly, then you have to say it louder. Then me, then you. It goes on and on." He explained. **(me and my friends used to play this in our maths class, I swear I teacher was deaf) **I sighed.

"Fine." I gave in, "Let's begin this... game." Emmett grinned.

"I'll start." Emmett offered. He looked around at the students working. "Penis." he said at normal talking volume. A few students looked at him, but most of them didn't even realize. The teacher continued writing on the board.

"Your turn." he told me. I cleared me throat.

"Penis." I said louder. More students turned to look at me, most of them with confused expressions. Emmett was shaking with laughter next to me.

"Penis!" he said even louder. Pretty much all the students had turned to look at him now, yet the teacher seemed completely oblivious to what was going on.

"Penis!" I practically yelled. The teacher stopped whatever he's writing on the board. For a second I thought he was going to turn around, but thankfully he didn't. Emmett took a deep breath.

"PENIS!" he screamed. The teacher turned around and glared at Emmett. He kept a blank expression, which I admired. I knew I wouldn't have been able to do it.

"What did you say, Mr Cullen?" he asked in an icy voice. Emmett looked at him with interest.

"Oh, didn't you hear me? I said 'penis', P-E-N-I-S." Emmett told clearly. I couldn't take it anymore, I cracked up.

"Something funny, Ms Swan?" he enquired.

"H-he said... PENIS!" I yelled, continuing on with my uncontrollable laughing fit. The whole class looks at us Me and Emmett cracked up.

"Any more funny buisness from either of you and you'll be sent outside. Hear me?" the teacher threatened. Emmett and I nodded, giving each other grins.. The teacher turned around and continued writing things on the board..

"What next?" Emmett whispered after a few minutes of silence. I smiled, feeling rebellious. I looked around and noticed something.

"Turn on the fan!" I whispered back. Emmett picked up his ruler and a rubber. He flicked the rubber over to the the switch and the fan turned on. The teacher didn't notice.

"Now what?" he asked. I looked at him, my eyes gleaming.

"Can you tie Mike's hands together?" I requested. Emmett looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I sighed. "After that we'll hang him on the fan."

"Are you sure?" he asked me. I nodded.

"They won't know it's us, you can be extra fast." I pointed him. He chuckled

"You're an idiot Bella. Lets do it!" he told me excitedly. One second, Emmett was next to me, the next, Mike was spinning around on the fan and Emmett was back in his seat.

"AHHHHHHH!" Mike screamed.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" the teacher yelled. Emmett and I laughed our heads off. Just then, Edward walks in.

"Excuse me, but-" he started. He then saw Mike spinning around on the fan, as well as Emmett and I laughing in out seats. He sighed and shook his head. "Bella has to go to the office." he continued.

"Bella, go." Mr Barner ordered, still looking at Mike. I stood up and looked back at Emmett.

"Bye, Emmett!" I said cheerfully. He smiled at me and winked. I headed over to Edward. As soon as we're out of the classroom, he looks at me seriously.

"Bella, I'm not even going to ask what that was about." he told me,"But I should probably warn you; you might want to read through your english homework before you hand it in."

"Huh?" I asked. I look through my bag and pulled out my essay. Emmett had crossed out everything I had already written and replaced it, I read it aloud.

_Why I love pie_

_I love pie because pie is yummy. There's so many different flavours! Like mushroom, honey and don't forget sprinkles! Pie is never made out of lemons. Some people say pie is made out of lemons, But they're idiots._

_I love pie almost as much as I love Emmett. He is so awesome. Pie is awesome too, but not as awesome as Emmett._

_Next year, I'm going to go to a pie eating contest at KCF, that why I can have pie __and__ chicken!_

_In conclusion, pie is yummy. But not as yummy as Emmett, of course._

I cracked up laughing. Edward sighed, but there was a hint of a smile on his face.

"You know what?" he told me as we continued walking, "I wish I was in your biology class."


	20. Chapter 20 Fight to the Death

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!" everybody in the crowd cheered. Nessie was the only one crying.

"My best friend and my daddy!" she cried. Edward and Jacob were on the boxing ring.

"Get readddddy to rummmble!" Bella yelled. The two men looked at each other and began. Jacob started by taking off his shirt. All the girls in the crowd screamed. Edward rolled his eyes.

"That's nothing!" he said, frowning. He took off his shirt and everybody threw up.

"Ewwww!" they all said. Edward quickly put his shirt back on. Then he charged at Jacob. The two of them headbutted and flew backwards. The crowd cheered.

"Ouch!" Jacob said. Edward went up to him and kicked him. Jacob got mad and turned into a giant wolf.

"Awww crap!" Edward yelled. He pulled out a pokeball. "Go, pikachu!" he threw it out and pikachu appeared.

"Wrong show, loser!" Jacob said, grinning. He lunged at Edward. In panic he picked up Renesmee and used her as a shield.

"If you hurt me you hurt her!" he yelled. Jacob stopped. Nessie looked at Edward and slapped him.

"You're a meanie!" she cried. Edward threw her off and Jacob advanced on him. Suddenly, Seth came out of nowhere, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his legs..

"Stop!" he screamed. He went over to Edward and kissed him passionately on the lips. The crowd went silent. "Jake! I've imprinted on him!" Another awkward silence.

Bella stormed up to Seth and slapped him.

"Edward's MINE asshole!" she cried. Seth slapped her.

"Go make out with Jacob!" he yelled. Nessie slapped Jacob.

"Jake! I thought we were together!" she cried, "How could you!"

"Hey, it was before I met you!" Jacob said defensivly, now back in his human form.

"Everybody shut up!" Carlisle screamed. There was a long, long silence. "Besides, Jacob's mine!" he added.

* * *

**Thus concludes the Random Twilight Stories. Hope you enjoyed, and if you didn't... well... go make out with Jacob.**


End file.
